My wife and I (both 31) have been together for eight years and share two young kids, both under five.Online Couples Therapy From the start, we agreed that our family size would depend on how we felt as we had children, but we both envisioned having more than one. After our second child was born, I realized I was completely done and made that clear to my wife. She initially accepted it, but her feelings have since changed, creating tension between us.
About six months ago, my wife told me she wanted at least one more child. I explained that I understood her desire, but I couldn’t go through it again. She asked what she could do to change my mind and proposed several solutions: enrolling our kids in daycare full-time regardless of our work schedules, relying more on family for childcare, and even returning to a high-stress job she had been relieved to leave—one she used to constantly vent about. While I believe she would follow through, I don’t think that would be beneficial long-term since it would only increase her stress.
One suggestion in particular really unsettled me. She said that if I didn’t want another child, she’d take full responsibility and wouldn’t expect me to be as involved. That horrified me. The idea of treating one of my children differently is unimaginable. I told her as much.
There are multiple reasons I’m firm on this. First, my wife had extremely difficult pregnancies, and during her last one, she was hospitalized. Managing everything—caring for our older child, supporting my wife, working full-time, and handling daily responsibilities—was overwhelming. On top of that, I had a falling-out with my sister-in-law because I couldn’t babysit for her during that time. We remain civil, but the relationship hasn’t been the same since.
Finances are another major concern. We already spend a significant amount on childcare, and adding another child would only increase our expenses. I also want to ensure we can provide our kids with opportunities and save for their future. One of them has ongoing medical needs, which, while not life-threatening, require costly medication. I want to be financially stable for the children we already have.
Time is also a factor. Parenting young kids is demanding, and I want to be fully present for them. Some weeks, I already feel like we don’t get enough quality time together as a family or one-on-one. Even considering adding another child makes me feel drained. I love our current dynamic, and I fear that adding another would push me past my limit.
I’ve explained all of this to my wife, but she’s still convinced we can find a way to make it work for both of us. Before this disagreement, we had talked about me getting a vasectomy, and I had even scheduled a consultation. However, once this discussion started, she asked me to put it on hold.
Now, we’re at an impasse. She recently admitted that, while she doesn’t want a divorce, she will resent me for not giving in and having another child with her.
She says she can’t control this feeling because she has a deep longing for more kids. She also claims I won’t even attempt to compromise, but I told her it’s too late for that—a child isn’t something you can negotiate on and then take back. I refuse to be a father who neglects one of his kids.
So, I gave her a choice: either accept that we’ll only have two children and work through her resentment so we can try to stay together, or end our marriage so she can find someone who wants a third child. I made it clear that my decision is final.
She says it’s unfair of me to give her an ultimatum. Maybe she’s right, but after six months of going in circles, we’re making no progress—her resentment just keeps growing because I won’t change my stance.
Need online couples therapy for relationship issues?
Yes, I think online couples therapy could be really beneficial in your situation. This isn’t just a disagreement—it’s a fundamental difference in what you both want for your future, and it’s already leading to resentment. A therapist could help you both communicate more effectively, process these emotions, and figure out whether there’s a way forward together.
Even if your decision is final, therapy could still help navigate the feelings of loss, disappointment, and frustration that both of you are experiencing. It might also provide a neutral space to discuss what this means for your marriage and whether you can work through it or if separation is the best path. Would she be open to it?
You should find marriage counseling near you by searching on google. For example you can write as: “‘marriage counseling near me'” or you can do as “‘relationship counseling near me'”.
You can also find many good online couples therapy specialists out there. Who will definitely give you BetterHelp.
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